How To Share Your Feelings

We’ve all had that moment where someone has done or said something that hurts our feelings and we’re left sitting in that emotion wondering how to talk about it without blaming, accusing, or being passive-aggressive. Many times, we choose to keep our feelings to ourselves in an effort to avoid conflict.

When we have hurt feelings, we might find ourselves thinking things like:

“If I say something, it won’t change anything.”

“I don’t want to sound needy.”

“I should just get over it.”

We fear that sharing our feelings will lead to fighting or distance. But there are ways to talk about how we feel that can create closeness and understanding.

Here’s a little script that can help:

I feel [feeling] when you [behavior]. I need [behavior].

When our feelings are hurt, our first step is to take responsibility for our needs. We’re all different. We all carry with us an extensive history of family patterns, experiences, and beliefs that contribute to what triggers hurt feelings.

Because we’re all different, we can’t expect our friend/family member/partner to mind-read what type of communication or behavior is going to hurt us.*

Taking responsibility for our needs means noticing when our feelings are hurt, what triggered the hurt, and what we would prefer in place of the hurtful communication/behavior next time.

An example could look like this:

“I feel unheard when you tell me to ‘think positively’ when I say I’m stressed. I need you to listen and tell me you understand before you try to help.”

From this approach, we identify the behavior/communication as the issue—not the other person—and give the other person clear direction about how to meet our needs.

You deserve to share your feelings and the people in your life deserve to hear them. Your loved ones can tell you are hurt! They’ll likely be relieved to know how they can support you instead of trying to guess what they did wrong.

Relationships (of any capacity) give us so many opportunities to be brave, take responsibility, and share our feelings and needs. With practice, we can use these opportunities to create closeness instead of conflict.

What feelings will you share today?

*This is said within reason, of course. It is never okay for someone to behave or speak in an abusive manner. If you are wondering how to address abusive behaviors and/or communication in relationship, I recommend you seek professional help. You can start by searching for a therapist who specializes in relationships and abuse.

How To Replace Fear With Safety

When we feel depressed or anxious, it’s normal for us to drop into black-and-white thinking, especially when it comes to relationships. We place things in categories to keep our life safe and predictable. This includes the people in our lives.

We place people we’re comfortable with in the “safe box”, and we place people we’re challenged by in the “unsafe box”. 

This would be highly adaptable if people were that simple. But none of us are perfect. We make mistakes. We let each other down. We drop the ball. 

If we place everyone in our life who has ever wronged us in the “unsafe box”, we will be left feeling unsupported and alone. Lack of social support is the last thing we need when we’re feeling depressed and anxious.

There must be a better way. A better way to maintain safe AND realistic relationships.

This is where the work comes in. We need to toss the streamlined process of categorizing we’ve developed to protect ourselves and begin practicing...you guessed it...setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries involves effective communication about our needs and feelings in relationships. No wonder our culture would prefer the boxes. Knowing our needs and feelings, much less communicating them, can be so hard!!!

If we start small and mindfully, we can begin noticing what NEED we’re missing when we feel that urge to push someone away and put them in the “unsafe box”.

Do we need to feel listened to? Do we need space? Do we need connection?

What would it be like to communicate our needs and see what happens? Is it possible this mending of relationship--this sharing and being responded to--could feel even more safe and healing than someone getting it perfectly right in the first place?

After we set boundaries, we can look for evidence to support a person’s place in the “safe box” or “unsafe box”. We can observe whether the other person behaviorally respected our boundary request.

In this way, setting boundaries cuts down on our urge to mind-read or fortune-tell--both unreliable sources of information. We can instead perceive behavioral evidence that we are safe or unsafe.

Setting boundaries then creates self-trust and safety rather than feeding the fear that comes with the unpredictability of people and relationships. 

If you’re interested in working with me personally to overcome your unique challenges related to boundary-setting and begin replacing your fear with safety, I invite you to contact me here.

What's Cozy About Your Depression?

Depression is an incredibly isolating and painful experience. When depression moves through us, we feel hopeless and guilty for it.

But it can also be scary to think about moving out of depression. There’s a comfort in the known, despite the pain that comes with it. There are valid reasons we resist letting our depression go.

We know how to blame everything on ourselves. If we’re the worst, we don’t need to have difficult conversations with others. We don’t need to set boundaries. If we take all the responsibility, we’re never let down by others.

We know how to maintain hopelessness. If life is hopeless, we have no figuring out to do. We don’t have to anxiously consider our future or our existential questions. We are released from the risk of desiring things/people/experiences in our life that we don’t yet (and might not ever) have.

We know how to just be. If we’re feeling depressed, we have no motivation to get out of bed. We don’t need to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. We’re simply surviving.

Black and white thinking is SIMPLE. That’s why our brains love doing it so much.

We think we’re protecting ourselves by boiling life down into “this or that”--“I’m bad, you’re good”. From this mindset, there are no surprises, and we are in total control.

We don’t step into the complexities of the truth of the human experience, including that people are not bad or good but instead terrifyingly and beautifully dynamic. We spend no time on elusive hopes that may or may not manifest. We certainly do not engage in frivolous activity like exercising or socializing. Life is simple.

After a while though, we recognize how long life is. How torturously slow it feels to move through life within this molasses of simple but monotonous depression. We wonder about getting out--about healing.

This is where baby steps, kindness, and safe others come in. Because healing must be done at a manageable pace with the support of people we trust, whether they come in the form of a friend, family member, therapist, or all of the above.

It’s okay and normal to be afraid of healing. The important part is recognizing what fears depression is protecting us from. Do we fear worthiness, connection, activity, vulnerability?

Slowly but surely, ideally with the help of a mental health professional, we can begin to deconstruct these fears and step into the experience of wholeness. Wholeness meaning our complex and dynamic existence as human beings, free from the dangerous simplicity of black and white thinking.

If you or someone you know is feeling curious about beginning the healing journey out of depression, you can check out www.psychologytoday.com to find a mental health professional who can help. If you live in Colorado and are interested in beginning your therapy journey with me, reach out at www.discoveringpeacetherapy.com/contact.

Feeling Depressed? Identifying Values Can Help.

Depression, sadness, or hopelessness can feel confusing. Considering how to feel better can be overwhelming. If you’re feeling depressed and not sure why, simply identifying your values can help.

What do you find yourself caring the most about? Relationships? Adventure? Knowledge? Fun?

These aspects of life we find ourselves drawn to--that we find important--are values. For a list of values often used in psychotherapy, click here.

Once you identify your top values, you’ve essentially created a map to life satisfaction. 

Consider: Does my day-to-day life align with my values?

If not, you may be feeling lackluster.

Sometimes our responsibilities, circumstances, and culture take precedence over our values. If you value adventure, cliff diving in Tahiti is likely not in the cards for today.

However, you have the power to incorporate your top values into your everyday life right now by making small and different choices. For example, you can go on a long drive and see where it takes you, try something new for lunch, or get curious about an unfamiliar person in your life.

Making choices in line with your top values, big and small, can help lift your depression and give you more vitality to live the life that makes you happy.

That Sucks. Tell Me More.

Sometimes we need to hear that our experience sucks. Sometimes we’re not ready to fix or change perspective. The first step toward healing and evolving in relationship is validation.

Validation takes our brains off the defense. It soothes our nervous system. It moves us out of fear.

Many of us have been taught that validating is self-loathing or “having a pity party”. The truth is, validation is just the opposite--it’s the doorway to action.

Once we properly validate ourselves or someone else, we can then proceed with problem-solving and positive thinking--without conflict and resistance.

How might this apply to your life? How can we express what we understand about each other’s experience before we jump into fixing? What questions can we ask to make sure we get it right?

Mindfulness Builds Intuition

“Mindfulness is awareness that arises from paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, non-judgmentally.” -Kabat-Zinn

We typically navigate our day-to-day experience on auto-pilot, mainly using thought as our guide. We plan and we process. You might notice even now that your awareness is mainly in your mind and almost completely disconnected from your body and emotions.

Mindfulness allows present-moment awareness of our thoughts, emotions, sensations, and memories. It is like a superpower in this way. In mindfulness, we can access WAY more information about our internal experience than when we rely solely on the mind.

When we practice mindfulness to access the vibrancy of present moment experience, we can pick up on pieces of our truth that we would otherwise miss when stuck in thought. In other words, we build our intuition.

For example, in making a decision, we could use thought to weigh the pros and cons of each choice. We could also use mindfulness to sense how each choice feels in our body. These sensations are informed by our thoughts, memories, and emotions.

What would it be like to get curious about how your body feels in a choice? Would you feel relaxed or tense? What would you notice is informing that sensation?

We make more informed choices when we add mindfulness to our decision-making toolbox. More informed choices = more thriving and less suffering!

When we practice mindfulness, we build intuition, and we make choices that help us thrive.

Your Sensitivity Is Your Strength

Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s) are born with sensitivity as an evolutionary survival strategy. Dr. Elaine Aron outlines the unique ways HSP’s experience the world:

Depth of processing: We think deeply and thoroughly about choices, ideas, and meaning.

Overstimulation: We experience stimuli strongly and our nervous systems can be more easily overloaded than non-HSP’s (think lighting, noise, etc.)

Emotional responsiveness/empathy: We experience emotions intensely and can easily attune to the emotions of others.

Sensitivity to subtle stimuli: We pick up on small changes in our environment.

As HSP’s we can be great at taking responsibility for the challenges of our sensitivity. We notice how other people struggle to understand the intensity of our emotions and how exhausted we can become from seemingly innocuous social interactions. We can quickly adapt to the norms and needs of others, leaving ourselves feeling depleted and wondering what is wrong with us.

The truth is: You are sensitive and you are normal. Sensitivity, like any other temperament style or personality trait, is normal and comes with challenges and strengths.

We so often forget to acknowledge all of the benefits that come with our sensitivity. We are privileged to feel the spectrum of human emotion fully. We get to think deeply about the world and our place in it. We are able to be intuitive and generous for the people we love. We get to build lives of meaning. Because purpose is a necessity for us. We get to live honestly. Because our truth is too loud to ignore.

If you’re feeling faced with the downsides of your sensitivity, remember that it comes with countless gifts and that you’re not alone. Take advantage of the rich and beautiful life your sensitivity affords you to live.

To learn more about Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s), click here.

How To Think Positively...and Believe It

Harnessing the “power of positive thinking” can feel like an elusive and frustrating endeavor. If you’ve ever tried to replace negative thoughts with more positive thoughts, you know believing them is easier said than done.

Have you ever been in a negative headspace and had someone sweetly advise you to “be positive”? You’re not alone if this made you want to scream.

Thinking positively AND BELIEVING IT is hard!

Here are two tricks that make thinking positively and believing it possible:

Validate Yourself

Our positive thought must acknowledge what is true about the negative/sad/worried part of our thinking. Our thoughts should validate us, just like we validate our friends before going into fix-it mode. It takes us off the defense. No unicorn or rainbow thoughts allowed.

If I am stressing about paying my bills, telling myself, “Who cares?! Money is just paper!” isn’t going to resolve my worry.

If I tell myself, “This is stressful. I don’t know what to do now, but I know I’ll figure it out,” I am more likely to feel soothed and relaxed.

Notice Your Body

Once we have a validating positive thought, notice what is happening in the body. When we are thinking negatively, a sensation pairs with the negative thought. This could be a pit in the stomach, tightness in the throat, or a racing heart.

When we use an effective positive thought that validates and uplifts us, the proof is in the body. Do the shoulders relax? Does the heart lift? Does the breath deepen?

If so, high five! You have mastered how to think positively and believe it.