How To Share Your Feelings

We’ve all had that moment where someone has done or said something that hurts our feelings and we’re left sitting in that emotion wondering how to talk about it without blaming, accusing, or being passive-aggressive. Many times, we choose to keep our feelings to ourselves in an effort to avoid conflict.

When we have hurt feelings, we might find ourselves thinking things like:

“If I say something, it won’t change anything.”

“I don’t want to sound needy.”

“I should just get over it.”

We fear that sharing our feelings will lead to fighting or distance. But there are ways to talk about how we feel that can create closeness and understanding.

Here’s a little script that can help:

I feel [feeling] when you [behavior]. I need [behavior].

When our feelings are hurt, our first step is to take responsibility for our needs. We’re all different. We all carry with us an extensive history of family patterns, experiences, and beliefs that contribute to what triggers hurt feelings.

Because we’re all different, we can’t expect our friend/family member/partner to mind-read what type of communication or behavior is going to hurt us.*

Taking responsibility for our needs means noticing when our feelings are hurt, what triggered the hurt, and what we would prefer in place of the hurtful communication/behavior next time.

An example could look like this:

“I feel unheard when you tell me to ‘think positively’ when I say I’m stressed. I need you to listen and tell me you understand before you try to help.”

From this approach, we identify the behavior/communication as the issue—not the other person—and give the other person clear direction about how to meet our needs.

You deserve to share your feelings and the people in your life deserve to hear them. Your loved ones can tell you are hurt! They’ll likely be relieved to know how they can support you instead of trying to guess what they did wrong.

Relationships (of any capacity) give us so many opportunities to be brave, take responsibility, and share our feelings and needs. With practice, we can use these opportunities to create closeness instead of conflict.

What feelings will you share today?

*This is said within reason, of course. It is never okay for someone to behave or speak in an abusive manner. If you are wondering how to address abusive behaviors and/or communication in relationship, I recommend you seek professional help. You can start by searching for a therapist who specializes in relationships and abuse.

We Don't Need To Find Our Purpose

As people seeking evolution and life satisfaction, we often hold a belief that we must “find our purpose” in order to feel fulfilled. We seek externally for that perfect job or that perfect hobby that will give us the “aha moment” we’ve been waiting for. We want to know why we were put on this planet. 

What does purpose mean to you? Why is it worth the search? What are you truly trying to find?

Most of us are looking for a sense of life satisfaction. A safety in ourselves and our life. Simply put: We want to be happy.

The truth is, our purpose is not something to find. It’s something to remember.

Instead of looking for your purpose, notice in what moments you are already living it. In other words, what are you doing when you feel the most free? What comes easily to you? What can you lose track of time doing? 

Bonus question: What makes you feel like a kid again?

In these moments of flow/joy/freedom, our purpose is simply revealed to us. No grasping or searching required. We remember how to feel free.

We need to release the pressure we put on ourselves to have it all figured out—as individuals and as a culture. Our dissatisfaction with life can create an anxiety and an urgency around finding this elusive purpose. We can feel behind and even ashamed for feeling lost.

The truth is, the figuring out happens naturally when we follow our freedom. There is nothing to find but our joy that has been with us all along. We live our way into the answer.

Focus on the ease and fall into your purpose.

That Sucks. Tell Me More.

Sometimes we need to hear that our experience sucks. Sometimes we’re not ready to fix or change perspective. The first step toward healing and evolving in relationship is validation.

Validation takes our brains off the defense. It soothes our nervous system. It moves us out of fear.

Many of us have been taught that validating is self-loathing or “having a pity party”. The truth is, validation is just the opposite--it’s the doorway to action.

Once we properly validate ourselves or someone else, we can then proceed with problem-solving and positive thinking--without conflict and resistance.

How might this apply to your life? How can we express what we understand about each other’s experience before we jump into fixing? What questions can we ask to make sure we get it right?

Are You Chameleoning?

“The thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real.” -John Green

Are you an expert at adapting to the people and places around you like a chameleon? When we over-adapt, we risk losing our connection to ourselves, our values, and our boundaries. This can leave us feeling depressed and anxious.

As much as we’d like to be the most agreeable, easygoing person in the room, we simply can’t please everyone. What are some ways you notice yourself over-adapting?

Here are some ideas:

-Taking on more projects or activities than we would like to “keep up”

-Participating in language or behaviors we don’t prefer to “fit in” 

-Spending too much time alone or too much time with others to satisfy norms in our social group

-Allowing our self-expression/appearance to be overly-influenced by the people around us

-Letting go of activities we’re passionate about to make time for what’s important to “the group”

When we mindfully limit over-adapting, we have more control over our mood, self-esteem, and health. We feel more authentic, more respected, and more confident.

If you tend to chameleon or over-adapt, all you need to do to re-center is consider what practices ground you back into yourself. What activities and ways of being have you let go of that are important to you? Jump back in to those things, and you’ll feel back to normal in no time.

How To Think Positively...and Believe It

Harnessing the “power of positive thinking” can feel like an elusive and frustrating endeavor. If you’ve ever tried to replace negative thoughts with more positive thoughts, you know believing them is easier said than done.

Have you ever been in a negative headspace and had someone sweetly advise you to “be positive”? You’re not alone if this made you want to scream.

Thinking positively AND BELIEVING IT is hard!

Here are two tricks that make thinking positively and believing it possible:

Validate Yourself

Our positive thought must acknowledge what is true about the negative/sad/worried part of our thinking. Our thoughts should validate us, just like we validate our friends before going into fix-it mode. It takes us off the defense. No unicorn or rainbow thoughts allowed.

If I am stressing about paying my bills, telling myself, “Who cares?! Money is just paper!” isn’t going to resolve my worry.

If I tell myself, “This is stressful. I don’t know what to do now, but I know I’ll figure it out,” I am more likely to feel soothed and relaxed.

Notice Your Body

Once we have a validating positive thought, notice what is happening in the body. When we are thinking negatively, a sensation pairs with the negative thought. This could be a pit in the stomach, tightness in the throat, or a racing heart.

When we use an effective positive thought that validates and uplifts us, the proof is in the body. Do the shoulders relax? Does the heart lift? Does the breath deepen?

If so, high five! You have mastered how to think positively and believe it.