Have You Checked On Your Inner Child Lately?

There are few experiences more frustrating than that confusing type of depression or anxiety--the kind that seems to happen “for no reason” and appears to have no source, despite our efforts to reflect and understand it.

When we’re dealing with this mystery psychological suffering, we might be contacting an inner child in need. 

As we move through life from birth to adulthood, we experience, and we digest. We are complex systems that are constantly learning, processing, and storing information. We interact with our parents, siblings, teachers, and friends on a daily basis. We digest these interactions into information.

We use this information to develop patterns to look out for, beliefs to use in navigating future experiences, and data to make sense of who we are and where we belong.

As children, and especially Highly Sensitive (HSP) children, we have unique needs individual to our personalities. Our caregivers (who are likely doing their very best!) are not going to catch and meet all of our needs--for attention, affection, connection, and validation.

Think of the times you’ve really felt “seen” for who you are. Without advice, opinion, or concern attached. Just seen. Understood. Listened to.

It’s rare! The type of connection we crave often comes in inconsistent, unexpected moments.

We treasure these pieces--these moments of feeling attuned to. They keep us feeling secure in who we are, both individually and in relationship as adults. They create a belief of “I’m okay as I am”.

But the other pieces--the times where we felt our caregiver’s mind was elsewhere, the times where we felt judged, the times where we felt ignored--these pieces remain in our system like a smudge on our glasses, affecting how we see and navigate the world to this day.

Our inner child’s ingenious system of creating patterns, beliefs, and self-concept takes in ALL information--as fact. This includes the interpretation of our caregiver’s distractedness as personal, the perception of our parent’s anger as our fault, and the feeling of shame that comes with misunderstood or ignored feelings.

This interaction of our system with our environment creates debris--pieces of pain that have nowhere to go. Smudges on our glasses.

Our inner child takes responsibility for these pieces. I must be too annoying. Too sensitive. Not good enough. And we earnestly carry these pieces of pain forward, into our patterns, beliefs, and self-concept.

Our inner child’s pain could show up as an unexplained depression we feel due to a long-term sense of disconnection, beginning with an overworked and distant caregiver.

Our inner child could feel angry at people who try to get close, doing their best to protect us from being let down like we were in the past.

Our inner child could feel afraid of attention after accepting their role as The Helper, turning the focus on others instead of receiving affection, and feeling simultaneously terrified of and starving for connection.

There are countless ways our inner child may be showing up in the here-and-now.

All of these parts of us--the ones that need resolution, need attention, need healing--will continue to show up for us, asking for what they need in the ways they know how, until we turn our attention to them and recognize first-off that they even exist. 

Through mindfulness, psychotherapy, journaling, and any other ways we know how, we can contact these painful parts. Once we acknowledge and begin building a relationship with our inner child, we can finally give ourselves what we’ve been needing.

We can integrate these painful pieces, clearing our mind, body, and emotions from old, unhelpful, and unfinished stories. 

From this place--this place of clarity and wholeness--we can live authentically. From this place, we find emotional freedom.

Are You Chameleoning?

“The thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real.” -John Green

Are you an expert at adapting to the people and places around you like a chameleon? When we over-adapt, we risk losing our connection to ourselves, our values, and our boundaries. This can leave us feeling depressed and anxious.

As much as we’d like to be the most agreeable, easygoing person in the room, we simply can’t please everyone. What are some ways you notice yourself over-adapting?

Here are some ideas:

-Taking on more projects or activities than we would like to “keep up”

-Participating in language or behaviors we don’t prefer to “fit in” 

-Spending too much time alone or too much time with others to satisfy norms in our social group

-Allowing our self-expression/appearance to be overly-influenced by the people around us

-Letting go of activities we’re passionate about to make time for what’s important to “the group”

When we mindfully limit over-adapting, we have more control over our mood, self-esteem, and health. We feel more authentic, more respected, and more confident.

If you tend to chameleon or over-adapt, all you need to do to re-center is consider what practices ground you back into yourself. What activities and ways of being have you let go of that are important to you? Jump back in to those things, and you’ll feel back to normal in no time.

Your Sensitivity Is Your Strength

Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s) are born with sensitivity as an evolutionary survival strategy. Dr. Elaine Aron outlines the unique ways HSP’s experience the world:

Depth of processing: We think deeply and thoroughly about choices, ideas, and meaning.

Overstimulation: We experience stimuli strongly and our nervous systems can be more easily overloaded than non-HSP’s (think lighting, noise, etc.)

Emotional responsiveness/empathy: We experience emotions intensely and can easily attune to the emotions of others.

Sensitivity to subtle stimuli: We pick up on small changes in our environment.

As HSP’s we can be great at taking responsibility for the challenges of our sensitivity. We notice how other people struggle to understand the intensity of our emotions and how exhausted we can become from seemingly innocuous social interactions. We can quickly adapt to the norms and needs of others, leaving ourselves feeling depleted and wondering what is wrong with us.

The truth is: You are sensitive and you are normal. Sensitivity, like any other temperament style or personality trait, is normal and comes with challenges and strengths.

We so often forget to acknowledge all of the benefits that come with our sensitivity. We are privileged to feel the spectrum of human emotion fully. We get to think deeply about the world and our place in it. We are able to be intuitive and generous for the people we love. We get to build lives of meaning. Because purpose is a necessity for us. We get to live honestly. Because our truth is too loud to ignore.

If you’re feeling faced with the downsides of your sensitivity, remember that it comes with countless gifts and that you’re not alone. Take advantage of the rich and beautiful life your sensitivity affords you to live.

To learn more about Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s), click here.