Have You Checked On Your Inner Child Lately?

There are few experiences more frustrating than that confusing type of depression or anxiety--the kind that seems to happen “for no reason” and appears to have no source, despite our efforts to reflect and understand it.

When we’re dealing with this mystery psychological suffering, we might be contacting an inner child in need. 

As we move through life from birth to adulthood, we experience, and we digest. We are complex systems that are constantly learning, processing, and storing information. We interact with our parents, siblings, teachers, and friends on a daily basis. We digest these interactions into information.

We use this information to develop patterns to look out for, beliefs to use in navigating future experiences, and data to make sense of who we are and where we belong.

As children, and especially Highly Sensitive (HSP) children, we have unique needs individual to our personalities. Our caregivers (who are likely doing their very best!) are not going to catch and meet all of our needs--for attention, affection, connection, and validation.

Think of the times you’ve really felt “seen” for who you are. Without advice, opinion, or concern attached. Just seen. Understood. Listened to.

It’s rare! The type of connection we crave often comes in inconsistent, unexpected moments.

We treasure these pieces--these moments of feeling attuned to. They keep us feeling secure in who we are, both individually and in relationship as adults. They create a belief of “I’m okay as I am”.

But the other pieces--the times where we felt our caregiver’s mind was elsewhere, the times where we felt judged, the times where we felt ignored--these pieces remain in our system like a smudge on our glasses, affecting how we see and navigate the world to this day.

Our inner child’s ingenious system of creating patterns, beliefs, and self-concept takes in ALL information--as fact. This includes the interpretation of our caregiver’s distractedness as personal, the perception of our parent’s anger as our fault, and the feeling of shame that comes with misunderstood or ignored feelings.

This interaction of our system with our environment creates debris--pieces of pain that have nowhere to go. Smudges on our glasses.

Our inner child takes responsibility for these pieces. I must be too annoying. Too sensitive. Not good enough. And we earnestly carry these pieces of pain forward, into our patterns, beliefs, and self-concept.

Our inner child’s pain could show up as an unexplained depression we feel due to a long-term sense of disconnection, beginning with an overworked and distant caregiver.

Our inner child could feel angry at people who try to get close, doing their best to protect us from being let down like we were in the past.

Our inner child could feel afraid of attention after accepting their role as The Helper, turning the focus on others instead of receiving affection, and feeling simultaneously terrified of and starving for connection.

There are countless ways our inner child may be showing up in the here-and-now.

All of these parts of us--the ones that need resolution, need attention, need healing--will continue to show up for us, asking for what they need in the ways they know how, until we turn our attention to them and recognize first-off that they even exist. 

Through mindfulness, psychotherapy, journaling, and any other ways we know how, we can contact these painful parts. Once we acknowledge and begin building a relationship with our inner child, we can finally give ourselves what we’ve been needing.

We can integrate these painful pieces, clearing our mind, body, and emotions from old, unhelpful, and unfinished stories. 

From this place--this place of clarity and wholeness--we can live authentically. From this place, we find emotional freedom.

What's Cozy About Your Depression?

Depression is an incredibly isolating and painful experience. When depression moves through us, we feel hopeless and guilty for it.

But it can also be scary to think about moving out of depression. There’s a comfort in the known, despite the pain that comes with it. There are valid reasons we resist letting our depression go.

We know how to blame everything on ourselves. If we’re the worst, we don’t need to have difficult conversations with others. We don’t need to set boundaries. If we take all the responsibility, we’re never let down by others.

We know how to maintain hopelessness. If life is hopeless, we have no figuring out to do. We don’t have to anxiously consider our future or our existential questions. We are released from the risk of desiring things/people/experiences in our life that we don’t yet (and might not ever) have.

We know how to just be. If we’re feeling depressed, we have no motivation to get out of bed. We don’t need to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. We’re simply surviving.

Black and white thinking is SIMPLE. That’s why our brains love doing it so much.

We think we’re protecting ourselves by boiling life down into “this or that”--“I’m bad, you’re good”. From this mindset, there are no surprises, and we are in total control.

We don’t step into the complexities of the truth of the human experience, including that people are not bad or good but instead terrifyingly and beautifully dynamic. We spend no time on elusive hopes that may or may not manifest. We certainly do not engage in frivolous activity like exercising or socializing. Life is simple.

After a while though, we recognize how long life is. How torturously slow it feels to move through life within this molasses of simple but monotonous depression. We wonder about getting out--about healing.

This is where baby steps, kindness, and safe others come in. Because healing must be done at a manageable pace with the support of people we trust, whether they come in the form of a friend, family member, therapist, or all of the above.

It’s okay and normal to be afraid of healing. The important part is recognizing what fears depression is protecting us from. Do we fear worthiness, connection, activity, vulnerability?

Slowly but surely, ideally with the help of a mental health professional, we can begin to deconstruct these fears and step into the experience of wholeness. Wholeness meaning our complex and dynamic existence as human beings, free from the dangerous simplicity of black and white thinking.

If you or someone you know is feeling curious about beginning the healing journey out of depression, you can check out www.psychologytoday.com to find a mental health professional who can help. If you live in Colorado and are interested in beginning your therapy journey with me, reach out at www.discoveringpeacetherapy.com/contact.

Your Sensitivity Is Your Strength

Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s) are born with sensitivity as an evolutionary survival strategy. Dr. Elaine Aron outlines the unique ways HSP’s experience the world:

Depth of processing: We think deeply and thoroughly about choices, ideas, and meaning.

Overstimulation: We experience stimuli strongly and our nervous systems can be more easily overloaded than non-HSP’s (think lighting, noise, etc.)

Emotional responsiveness/empathy: We experience emotions intensely and can easily attune to the emotions of others.

Sensitivity to subtle stimuli: We pick up on small changes in our environment.

As HSP’s we can be great at taking responsibility for the challenges of our sensitivity. We notice how other people struggle to understand the intensity of our emotions and how exhausted we can become from seemingly innocuous social interactions. We can quickly adapt to the norms and needs of others, leaving ourselves feeling depleted and wondering what is wrong with us.

The truth is: You are sensitive and you are normal. Sensitivity, like any other temperament style or personality trait, is normal and comes with challenges and strengths.

We so often forget to acknowledge all of the benefits that come with our sensitivity. We are privileged to feel the spectrum of human emotion fully. We get to think deeply about the world and our place in it. We are able to be intuitive and generous for the people we love. We get to build lives of meaning. Because purpose is a necessity for us. We get to live honestly. Because our truth is too loud to ignore.

If you’re feeling faced with the downsides of your sensitivity, remember that it comes with countless gifts and that you’re not alone. Take advantage of the rich and beautiful life your sensitivity affords you to live.

To learn more about Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s), click here.