Spiritual People Are Regular People

If you’re reading this, you’re likely a person interested in change, evolution, and life fulfillment. You’re seeking something. Looking for guidance. Wanting a map.

When we feel the pull to change our lives and find satisfaction in our humanness, a normal first step is to look to others to show us the way. We observe “gurus” and “experts” in our world appearing to have it all figured out. We yearn for the inner peace they so passionately promote.

This tendency to look to others for instruction about how to attain our own personal fulfillment creates an us/them mentality. They are good and I’m bad. They are spiritual and I’m just regular. They have it figured out and I don’t.

But, who are these spiritual people, really? 

I have a truth to share: Spiritual people are regular people.

There is nothing fundamentally different about your guru or idol that makes them more worthy of life satisfaction than you. They did not have a head start, and they did not get to skip over the process of evolution that you are so earnestly beginning. They certainly did not get to hand over their responsibility for their suffering.

Evolution (spiritual fulfillment/inner peace/whatever we want to call it!) is developed over time when we face our suffering head on and learn how to consciously move through the lessons that life is offering us. These lessons, like how to take care of ourselves, heal, and accept ourselves, transform suffering into peace.

There is no shortcut. No “Pass Go and Collect $200”. No fast track.

When we accept this truth, we can develop a healthy, empowering, relationship with our guides, rather than a dependent one.

Now that we know we are just as worthy and just as responsible as anyone else, we can begin the work toward discovering peace.

(And we can watch that Eckhart Tolle youtube video without feeling less-than.)

If you feel called to shift your suffering into peace, let’s chat.

How To Replace Fear With Safety

When we feel depressed or anxious, it’s normal for us to drop into black-and-white thinking, especially when it comes to relationships. We place things in categories to keep our life safe and predictable. This includes the people in our lives.

We place people we’re comfortable with in the “safe box”, and we place people we’re challenged by in the “unsafe box”. 

This would be highly adaptable if people were that simple. But none of us are perfect. We make mistakes. We let each other down. We drop the ball. 

If we place everyone in our life who has ever wronged us in the “unsafe box”, we will be left feeling unsupported and alone. Lack of social support is the last thing we need when we’re feeling depressed and anxious.

There must be a better way. A better way to maintain safe AND realistic relationships.

This is where the work comes in. We need to toss the streamlined process of categorizing we’ve developed to protect ourselves and begin practicing...you guessed it...setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries involves effective communication about our needs and feelings in relationships. No wonder our culture would prefer the boxes. Knowing our needs and feelings, much less communicating them, can be so hard!!!

If we start small and mindfully, we can begin noticing what NEED we’re missing when we feel that urge to push someone away and put them in the “unsafe box”.

Do we need to feel listened to? Do we need space? Do we need connection?

What would it be like to communicate our needs and see what happens? Is it possible this mending of relationship--this sharing and being responded to--could feel even more safe and healing than someone getting it perfectly right in the first place?

After we set boundaries, we can look for evidence to support a person’s place in the “safe box” or “unsafe box”. We can observe whether the other person behaviorally respected our boundary request.

In this way, setting boundaries cuts down on our urge to mind-read or fortune-tell--both unreliable sources of information. We can instead perceive behavioral evidence that we are safe or unsafe.

Setting boundaries then creates self-trust and safety rather than feeding the fear that comes with the unpredictability of people and relationships. 

If you’re interested in working with me personally to overcome your unique challenges related to boundary-setting and begin replacing your fear with safety, I invite you to contact me here.

What's Cozy About Your Depression?

Depression is an incredibly isolating and painful experience. When depression moves through us, we feel hopeless and guilty for it.

But it can also be scary to think about moving out of depression. There’s a comfort in the known, despite the pain that comes with it. There are valid reasons we resist letting our depression go.

We know how to blame everything on ourselves. If we’re the worst, we don’t need to have difficult conversations with others. We don’t need to set boundaries. If we take all the responsibility, we’re never let down by others.

We know how to maintain hopelessness. If life is hopeless, we have no figuring out to do. We don’t have to anxiously consider our future or our existential questions. We are released from the risk of desiring things/people/experiences in our life that we don’t yet (and might not ever) have.

We know how to just be. If we’re feeling depressed, we have no motivation to get out of bed. We don’t need to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. We’re simply surviving.

Black and white thinking is SIMPLE. That’s why our brains love doing it so much.

We think we’re protecting ourselves by boiling life down into “this or that”--“I’m bad, you’re good”. From this mindset, there are no surprises, and we are in total control.

We don’t step into the complexities of the truth of the human experience, including that people are not bad or good but instead terrifyingly and beautifully dynamic. We spend no time on elusive hopes that may or may not manifest. We certainly do not engage in frivolous activity like exercising or socializing. Life is simple.

After a while though, we recognize how long life is. How torturously slow it feels to move through life within this molasses of simple but monotonous depression. We wonder about getting out--about healing.

This is where baby steps, kindness, and safe others come in. Because healing must be done at a manageable pace with the support of people we trust, whether they come in the form of a friend, family member, therapist, or all of the above.

It’s okay and normal to be afraid of healing. The important part is recognizing what fears depression is protecting us from. Do we fear worthiness, connection, activity, vulnerability?

Slowly but surely, ideally with the help of a mental health professional, we can begin to deconstruct these fears and step into the experience of wholeness. Wholeness meaning our complex and dynamic existence as human beings, free from the dangerous simplicity of black and white thinking.

If you or someone you know is feeling curious about beginning the healing journey out of depression, you can check out www.psychologytoday.com to find a mental health professional who can help. If you live in Colorado and are interested in beginning your therapy journey with me, reach out at www.discoveringpeacetherapy.com/contact.

Feeling Depressed? Identifying Values Can Help.

Depression, sadness, or hopelessness can feel confusing. Considering how to feel better can be overwhelming. If you’re feeling depressed and not sure why, simply identifying your values can help.

What do you find yourself caring the most about? Relationships? Adventure? Knowledge? Fun?

These aspects of life we find ourselves drawn to--that we find important--are values. For a list of values often used in psychotherapy, click here.

Once you identify your top values, you’ve essentially created a map to life satisfaction. 

Consider: Does my day-to-day life align with my values?

If not, you may be feeling lackluster.

Sometimes our responsibilities, circumstances, and culture take precedence over our values. If you value adventure, cliff diving in Tahiti is likely not in the cards for today.

However, you have the power to incorporate your top values into your everyday life right now by making small and different choices. For example, you can go on a long drive and see where it takes you, try something new for lunch, or get curious about an unfamiliar person in your life.

Making choices in line with your top values, big and small, can help lift your depression and give you more vitality to live the life that makes you happy.

Are You Chameleoning?

“The thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real.” -John Green

Are you an expert at adapting to the people and places around you like a chameleon? When we over-adapt, we risk losing our connection to ourselves, our values, and our boundaries. This can leave us feeling depressed and anxious.

As much as we’d like to be the most agreeable, easygoing person in the room, we simply can’t please everyone. What are some ways you notice yourself over-adapting?

Here are some ideas:

-Taking on more projects or activities than we would like to “keep up”

-Participating in language or behaviors we don’t prefer to “fit in” 

-Spending too much time alone or too much time with others to satisfy norms in our social group

-Allowing our self-expression/appearance to be overly-influenced by the people around us

-Letting go of activities we’re passionate about to make time for what’s important to “the group”

When we mindfully limit over-adapting, we have more control over our mood, self-esteem, and health. We feel more authentic, more respected, and more confident.

If you tend to chameleon or over-adapt, all you need to do to re-center is consider what practices ground you back into yourself. What activities and ways of being have you let go of that are important to you? Jump back in to those things, and you’ll feel back to normal in no time.

How To Think Positively...and Believe It

Harnessing the “power of positive thinking” can feel like an elusive and frustrating endeavor. If you’ve ever tried to replace negative thoughts with more positive thoughts, you know believing them is easier said than done.

Have you ever been in a negative headspace and had someone sweetly advise you to “be positive”? You’re not alone if this made you want to scream.

Thinking positively AND BELIEVING IT is hard!

Here are two tricks that make thinking positively and believing it possible:

Validate Yourself

Our positive thought must acknowledge what is true about the negative/sad/worried part of our thinking. Our thoughts should validate us, just like we validate our friends before going into fix-it mode. It takes us off the defense. No unicorn or rainbow thoughts allowed.

If I am stressing about paying my bills, telling myself, “Who cares?! Money is just paper!” isn’t going to resolve my worry.

If I tell myself, “This is stressful. I don’t know what to do now, but I know I’ll figure it out,” I am more likely to feel soothed and relaxed.

Notice Your Body

Once we have a validating positive thought, notice what is happening in the body. When we are thinking negatively, a sensation pairs with the negative thought. This could be a pit in the stomach, tightness in the throat, or a racing heart.

When we use an effective positive thought that validates and uplifts us, the proof is in the body. Do the shoulders relax? Does the heart lift? Does the breath deepen?

If so, high five! You have mastered how to think positively and believe it.