We’ve all had that moment where someone has done or said something that hurts our feelings and we’re left sitting in that emotion wondering how to talk about it without blaming, accusing, or being passive-aggressive. Many times, we choose to keep our feelings to ourselves in an effort to avoid conflict.
When we have hurt feelings, we might find ourselves thinking things like:
“If I say something, it won’t change anything.”
“I don’t want to sound needy.”
“I should just get over it.”
We fear that sharing our feelings will lead to fighting or distance. But there are ways to talk about how we feel that can create closeness and understanding.
Here’s a little script that can help:
I feel [feeling] when you [behavior]. I need [behavior].
When our feelings are hurt, our first step is to take responsibility for our needs. We’re all different. We all carry with us an extensive history of family patterns, experiences, and beliefs that contribute to what triggers hurt feelings.
Because we’re all different, we can’t expect our friend/family member/partner to mind-read what type of communication or behavior is going to hurt us.*
Taking responsibility for our needs means noticing when our feelings are hurt, what triggered the hurt, and what we would prefer in place of the hurtful communication/behavior next time.
An example could look like this:
“I feel unheard when you tell me to ‘think positively’ when I say I’m stressed. I need you to listen and tell me you understand before you try to help.”
From this approach, we identify the behavior/communication as the issue—not the other person—and give the other person clear direction about how to meet our needs.
You deserve to share your feelings and the people in your life deserve to hear them. Your loved ones can tell you are hurt! They’ll likely be relieved to know how they can support you instead of trying to guess what they did wrong.
Relationships (of any capacity) give us so many opportunities to be brave, take responsibility, and share our feelings and needs. With practice, we can use these opportunities to create closeness instead of conflict.
What feelings will you share today?
*This is said within reason, of course. It is never okay for someone to behave or speak in an abusive manner. If you are wondering how to address abusive behaviors and/or communication in relationship, I recommend you seek professional help. You can start by searching for a therapist who specializes in relationships and abuse.