How To Share Your Feelings

We’ve all had that moment where someone has done or said something that hurts our feelings and we’re left sitting in that emotion wondering how to talk about it without blaming, accusing, or being passive-aggressive. Many times, we choose to keep our feelings to ourselves in an effort to avoid conflict.

When we have hurt feelings, we might find ourselves thinking things like:

“If I say something, it won’t change anything.”

“I don’t want to sound needy.”

“I should just get over it.”

We fear that sharing our feelings will lead to fighting or distance. But there are ways to talk about how we feel that can create closeness and understanding.

Here’s a little script that can help:

I feel [feeling] when you [behavior]. I need [behavior].

When our feelings are hurt, our first step is to take responsibility for our needs. We’re all different. We all carry with us an extensive history of family patterns, experiences, and beliefs that contribute to what triggers hurt feelings.

Because we’re all different, we can’t expect our friend/family member/partner to mind-read what type of communication or behavior is going to hurt us.*

Taking responsibility for our needs means noticing when our feelings are hurt, what triggered the hurt, and what we would prefer in place of the hurtful communication/behavior next time.

An example could look like this:

“I feel unheard when you tell me to ‘think positively’ when I say I’m stressed. I need you to listen and tell me you understand before you try to help.”

From this approach, we identify the behavior/communication as the issue—not the other person—and give the other person clear direction about how to meet our needs.

You deserve to share your feelings and the people in your life deserve to hear them. Your loved ones can tell you are hurt! They’ll likely be relieved to know how they can support you instead of trying to guess what they did wrong.

Relationships (of any capacity) give us so many opportunities to be brave, take responsibility, and share our feelings and needs. With practice, we can use these opportunities to create closeness instead of conflict.

What feelings will you share today?

*This is said within reason, of course. It is never okay for someone to behave or speak in an abusive manner. If you are wondering how to address abusive behaviors and/or communication in relationship, I recommend you seek professional help. You can start by searching for a therapist who specializes in relationships and abuse.

How To Replace Fear With Safety

When we feel depressed or anxious, it’s normal for us to drop into black-and-white thinking, especially when it comes to relationships. We place things in categories to keep our life safe and predictable. This includes the people in our lives.

We place people we’re comfortable with in the “safe box”, and we place people we’re challenged by in the “unsafe box”. 

This would be highly adaptable if people were that simple. But none of us are perfect. We make mistakes. We let each other down. We drop the ball. 

If we place everyone in our life who has ever wronged us in the “unsafe box”, we will be left feeling unsupported and alone. Lack of social support is the last thing we need when we’re feeling depressed and anxious.

There must be a better way. A better way to maintain safe AND realistic relationships.

This is where the work comes in. We need to toss the streamlined process of categorizing we’ve developed to protect ourselves and begin practicing...you guessed it...setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries involves effective communication about our needs and feelings in relationships. No wonder our culture would prefer the boxes. Knowing our needs and feelings, much less communicating them, can be so hard!!!

If we start small and mindfully, we can begin noticing what NEED we’re missing when we feel that urge to push someone away and put them in the “unsafe box”.

Do we need to feel listened to? Do we need space? Do we need connection?

What would it be like to communicate our needs and see what happens? Is it possible this mending of relationship--this sharing and being responded to--could feel even more safe and healing than someone getting it perfectly right in the first place?

After we set boundaries, we can look for evidence to support a person’s place in the “safe box” or “unsafe box”. We can observe whether the other person behaviorally respected our boundary request.

In this way, setting boundaries cuts down on our urge to mind-read or fortune-tell--both unreliable sources of information. We can instead perceive behavioral evidence that we are safe or unsafe.

Setting boundaries then creates self-trust and safety rather than feeding the fear that comes with the unpredictability of people and relationships. 

If you’re interested in working with me personally to overcome your unique challenges related to boundary-setting and begin replacing your fear with safety, I invite you to contact me here.

Feeling Depressed? Identifying Values Can Help.

Depression, sadness, or hopelessness can feel confusing. Considering how to feel better can be overwhelming. If you’re feeling depressed and not sure why, simply identifying your values can help.

What do you find yourself caring the most about? Relationships? Adventure? Knowledge? Fun?

These aspects of life we find ourselves drawn to--that we find important--are values. For a list of values often used in psychotherapy, click here.

Once you identify your top values, you’ve essentially created a map to life satisfaction. 

Consider: Does my day-to-day life align with my values?

If not, you may be feeling lackluster.

Sometimes our responsibilities, circumstances, and culture take precedence over our values. If you value adventure, cliff diving in Tahiti is likely not in the cards for today.

However, you have the power to incorporate your top values into your everyday life right now by making small and different choices. For example, you can go on a long drive and see where it takes you, try something new for lunch, or get curious about an unfamiliar person in your life.

Making choices in line with your top values, big and small, can help lift your depression and give you more vitality to live the life that makes you happy.